as children we all get endorsed with ideas on life.
some are empowering and make us shine our light, while others are even crippling, so that we walk forth in shame, dead, numb and often terribly alone. i am not quite ready to share my story yet, I’ll just say this much for now: it was crippling.
i never allowed myself to be me.
the shadowy creature who starred in my life’s story was shapeless and sexless. i chose a career in audio engineering – a male dominated industry where i could hide my womanhood under sloppy hoodies and baggy jeans, always dressed as if I was just about to put up a drumset and a pa.
music has always been an important part of my life. i started playing the piano at the age of 5, later learned to play the guitar and the bass, but quit all out of lack of encouragement. both my brothers studied guitar. while they were feeling like rockstars, i felt like a loser, caught up in my story of ‘never good enough’.
still at university, studying technical things not music, a friend asked me to fill in for a sound engineer in a theater company. even though i had absolutely no idea what i could possibly contribute i said yes. before i knew it i was on tour, briefed for my new job via a script and a tape machine.
what an amazing experience! i ended up staying with the theater company until it went out of business a few years later.
fast forward. after a couple more disappointing years at university and working with mentally disabled people, i was still hungry for music.
i co-founded an amateur rock band, and rediscovered my love for sound and tech stuff. i was completely fascinated by our mixing desk and tape machine. i recorded my band, struggling to get ‘that sound’. again, i was ‘not good enough’.
i started my own business, a recording studio in vienna.
i recorded bands and vocalists professionally, however i never felt like a real recording engineer.
i never stepped out of the shadow of my business partner, and took on all the recording jobs he didn’t like, along with admin and office work.
my business partner had little respect for vocalists so i ended up recording most of them. this is when i discovered something magic: whenever i kept an open mind and didn’t judge the vocalist’s performance, the recordings went super smooth. my attitude towards the artist was the gamechanger. i understood how to hold space and watched singers grow wings when recording with me.
i saw their core, the star in them they couldn’t see. i opened a room for their voice and their art to unfold.
as i hold space for my artists’ stardom i slowly start to uncover the star inside myself.
i now acknowledge that i should not keep my feminine qualities out of the game, rather stress them more strongly in this often unempathetic men’s world of tech. the intuitive way of working, the gentleness, the supporting and uplifting approach when recording and working with my artists are something i am proud of now. i see a growing community of female artists asking to work with me.
i still have my ways to go.
but right out of my heart i have a message for you: even if life seems to have ill equipped you there is a way out of despair, there is healing, there is power, happiness, joy and lots of fun.
my wish for you and everyone: find that joy within you and your art.
and if there is something i can do to help you uncover YOUR star – i will be overjoyed to assist you